We LOVE you, weekend!

  Weekends are great because we don't have to work!  Really, its not that work is so bad.  Ross and I have really great jobs, and that's more than most people can say.  Its not that our jobs are easy or we don't have hard days, because we do.  We just can't complain.  We have great coworkers, bosses, etc.  The obvious reason why we love weekends.... is because we have ALL day to spend with Palmer.  We don't have to worry about obligations, or making sure the diaper bag is all prepped, or if he has enough diapers, or if he's being good and napping well for the sitter.  The weekend is our time.  We get to read books, play games, watch a cartoon or too, and play with the dogs (one of Palmer's all time favorite things).  This morning, before Palmer's nap time, he and I read books, cuddled, and had some great quality time.  If I could freeze these moments for eternity, I would.   After Palmer went down, I walked into Ross and my bedroom.  I looked at him, with teary eyes.  My heart was overflowing with love.  I am so grateful for our family.  I am so thankful for time that we get with Palmer.  I have always appreciated it, but now that I am working, it is my number one priority.  Palmer is, hands down, the best thing that we have ever done.  He's not always easy, and truly, parenting is the hardest thing we have ever done, but I could not imagine our life without this ornery little child.  Before we had Palmer, we just didn't get it.  We didn't understand how another person could be so much of a priority.   I keep thinking - one more week of work, and then I have a week off.  I am so thankful to have next week to look forward to, but for now, I am so thankful for this day with each other, and with Palmer!


A couple weeks ago, we lowered Palmer's crib.  He's is pulling himself up to standing, and cruising.  We often come in the room in the morning, or after a nap to this happy face standing at the edge looking up at us, or sitting in his crib playing with his seahorse.

 To say that Palmer loves bath time, is total understatement!  When we stand him up at the end, he gets jello legs... he just doesn't want bath time to end!  It is pretty funny.  We love watching him get his personality.  He really is such a happy boy!

All good things (like bath time) must come to an end.  Like Ross' PJ pants?!  These two guys are my FAVORITE!

I wish I could wish you a happy birthday.

  Today, would have been my Grandma's birthday.  Today, I would have called her and she would have asked all about Palmer.  She wasn't one to want the attention on her, especially for something like birthdays.  I would have told her how Palmer is following us, and crawling a mile a minute to be wherever we are.  He's stubborn and silly.  Maybe we would have Skype'd, and she would have loved seeing his silly faces - he would have grabbed for the ipad, and we would all laugh    But, instead, today will be like any other day.


  I will miss you.  I will wish I could tell you about this little boy of ours that you would love oh, so dearly.   Maybe you are looking down on us today?  Do you see our tears?  Happy birthday, Marie.  You will always be in my heart.  Your love will always find a welcome home there.

If it could, it did

It has been ten days.  Ten very long days.

I was naive after my first couple days back at work.  I started on a Thursday, and at the end of the week, I felt like it wasn't so bad.  I had two full days of work, but Palmer only had one full day, and a half day due to Ross being able to work from home on his first Friday (yay for light court day).  I got home, I held Palmer, relaxed with Ross.  I felt fulfilled from working.  I felt like it wouldn't be so bad.

Then this week happened.  And, boy, what a week it was.

Monday started out fabulous.  I kept getting text messages from Linda.  Alice and Palmer are having a blast, and Palmer even had his first "kiss!"  It was too cute, and I loved seeing these pictures while I was at work!

In the meanwhile at work, I start feeling "off."  Nothing to write home about, but off.  After work, I pick up Palmer and we go home.  Ross' mom came Monday night because she was watching Palmer on Tuesday and my plan was for Ross and I to go on a date after Palmer went to sleep... but I just didn't feel up to it.  After Palmer went to sleep, so did I.
Tuesday was rough at work.  I didn't feel on my game.  I know I am still getting back into the swing of things, but I just felt so off.  I could have sworn there was a full moon.   All I wanted to do was sleep when I got home.  But, there just wasn't time to sleep!  Palmer had his very first swim lesson!  Before we went to the swim lesson, Ross and Jerri went out to eat (I passed since nothing was sounding appealing, and all I wanted to do was spend time with Palmer).  While they went out to eat, Palmer and I rocked in his glider and we both took a cat nap together.  (Hindsight tells me this was a bad choice...)   Jerri and Ross arrived home, and we raced off to Palmer's first swim lesson.
 When we first arrived, they told us they wouldn't be having infant lessons.  I knew I had signed up for this night, and I had paid, and after checking further, it was confirmed that we had, in fact, paid to be there.  It was just a mix up, and was quickly sorted out.  Ross got in the pool with Palmer, and PALMER LOVED IT!  He was splashing and going nuts!  Ross loves that Palmer loves the water - my two fish!  It was so much fun watching them, and I was happy that "Mimi" was able to come along!

This is about when the fun of the week ended.

First of all, I was already worn out from two days of working, and I was ready to be done.  Knowing what I know now, I guess it makes sense.  I was getting sick.  I went to bed, once again, right after Palmer went to bed.  Ross gave me a dose of NyQuil, and I drifted off to sleep.  Problem is, with NyQuil in your system, you really should stay asleep!  I kept waking up, worrying if I had everything that Palmer needed for daycare the next day.  I usually pack the bag the night before, but I was feeling so awful, that I just couldn't.  When ever I woke up, a wave of sickness came over me.  I was hot.  Then I was cold.  Then felt like I was dying.  Repeat.  Repeat.  It was not a fun night.  When I woke up again at 5:30, I decided there wasn't any way I could survive work.  At least on Tuesday, if I was sitting down or laying down, I felt fine.  That was not the case on Wednesday.  Even though staying home felt better health wise, staying home was also torture.  It was torture because I felt awful for being home the first week I went back to work, but mostly it felt horrible because Palmer was in the other room, and I couldn't hold him or play with him.  I didn't want to get him sick, so when I would walk out in the living room to get anything, and Palmer would crawl towards me, Ross would have to pick him up and move him back.  {insert sad face}.  By the end of the day, I was feeling at least well enough where I could go back to work the next day.  Once again, I went to bed right after Palmer.

Palmer headed to Linda's Thursday, but he was not seeming right.  He was acting tired and lethargic.  I get sent a sleepy picture long before he should be feeling sleepy, and my gut is telling me something isn't right.  He sleeps for four hours while at Linda's.  This just wasn't normal!  At first I thought he was just making up for the long and fun day he had on Tuesday, but due to a few other clues (which I will spare the blogosphere) we could tell that he was not well.  The biggest concern was his dehydration.  After another evening nap in his glider, we decided to call the pediatrician.   We also decided to skip swim lessons.
Ross' dad was staying at our house, and seeing that Palmer was not well, traded Friday schedules with Ross so he could get back sooner to be with Palmer, and they also called Jerri and she volunteers to come watch Palmer on Friday (being safe as to not get Alice sick at Linda's house).  We are so lucky to have a supportive family.

 It's at this point in time - it was actually when I was heading into Kroger to buy Palmer the pedialite, that the strangest feeling came over me.   You know when you are sick, and you want your mom?  Well, it wasn't me who was sick, it was my baby.  But I just wanted my mom.  I think knowing that she's far away, and can't just come down (relatively) easily, made me miss her that much more.  Even though my parents live over 3 hours away normally, it still feels like you could visit anytime, and if I really need them, I know they can be there.  With them in Thailand, this just isn't the case.  I know they want to be here, but they have to be here in spirit for a while.   At that moment, I couldn't have missed them any more.   The next morning, when I expressed this to Jerri, and told her how thankful I was that she was there, we both teared up.  It meant a lot to me that she was there, and it was a relief knowing that even though Palmer wasn't 100%, that I didn't have to worry one bit while I was away.

If the week's craziness stopped there, it wouldn't have been so bad, but the weekend was jam packed with events (which were fun events) and it left little downtime with Palmer.  After a week of being at work or being sick and not really spending much quality time with him, it just felt like too much.  
When I arrived home from work Friday, I just wanted to play with Palmer, cuddle him, and enjoy his talking, make faces at him, and do nothing else.   Instead, I had to get ready for an overnight with my high school girls (which, like I said was fun, but it just wasn't the best timing).  This was all compounded by the fact that Ross is sick on the couch.  If I had a second leader for my high schoolers, I would have stayed with Palmer until he went to bed, but this just wasn't an option.  Poor Ross, sick himself, had to care for Palmer until bedtime.  That's just what you have to do when you are a parent.  You do what you have to do.

On Saturday when I arrived home, we had about an hour before we headed off to our friend Brad Geswein's sister's wedding.   My coworker, Michelle Brooks, came over and watched Palmer for us - hung out with him before he went to bed, and then tucked him in, and stayed at our house so we could stay out.  We had a sitter for the first time EVER to put him to sleep.... and Ross still isn't feeling well!  We didn't stay at the reception too long (maybe 10:15) and then he needed to come home and go to sleep.  Although it stinks that we couldn't stay out longer, it did teach us that Palmer can be put to bed by someone else, and we can head out and have some fun just the two of us.  It is REALLY important that we continue to keep this in mind, because our marriage is not only important to us, but also for Palmer.  Our strength as a unit, gives Palmer security.

I'm praying this week is less hectic than last.  I heard going back to work was hard, but I just never realized how hard it was to balance everything.  It's crazy, but we'll get it down eventually (I hope!)

Pictures lately

Palmer is 7 1/2 months old, and he is becoming more and more active every day.  His latest thing is standing.  All he really wants to do is stand.  In the last couple days, he has learned to stand, then sit, then stand again.  He goes up and down all day.  He does this in addition to crawling (faster and faster everyday), and he talks up a storm (and when he's cutting a tooth, like he is now, he also screams).  His little personality is coming out, and its happy, mischievous, inquisitive, and sometimes grumpy.  He does the duck face or screams when he isn't content, but this isn't often.  He is also happy to entertain himself with his toys, or by watching his dogs.  He loves to crawl into laps, and sink his mouth into your knees (getting your pants all wet.  Thanks, Palmer!)  He loves to bounce and dance to music, play with lids and bottles, and his favorite toy is probably his Sophie giraffe, cell phones or ipads (if anyone actually let him get a hold of theirs) and the bulb syringe - he loves when you puff air on his face. 

Palmer's Practice Day

 I say that today was Palmer's practice at Linda's house.  Well, it was mine too.  I dropped Palmer off at Linda's house at 7:15 - and surprisingly, I did not cry when I left.  I didn't cry on my way to work.  I did hear "Three Little Birds" on my way to work, and that sure felt nice.
  I got updates throughout the morning from Linda.  A couple pictures of Palmer - a couple with Alice (Linda's little girl) and one of just him (super smiley, I might add).   He didn't go down quite as easy as he does at home, but he napped.  He ate food.  And the poor little man was teething.
  Apparently, the little stinker wanted to scream.  He screamed in Alice's direction...  Every time he screamed, it would upset Alice.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Oh, Boy!
  At around noon, Ross and I met at the Sperka house, and went to see Palmer on his practice day. 
  As first days go, it wasn't too bad.  Tomorrow will be the real test.  He has his first full day of Linda-care (I don't like calling it daycare... it sounds so impersonal because he's just hanging out with Linda and his buddy Alice).  I'm praying that his tooth pokes through tonight, and that he is in a much better mood tomorrow! 
  Teething would coincide with my return to work, wouldn't it?

  At least if I'm heading back to work, we have Linda, and family who are watching him while we can't.  It sure does help.  (that, and a lot of prayers!)

There will be more pictures tomorrow, but for now, here are a few pictures from Palmer's practice
 day at Linda-care!

First few pictures were ones that Linda sent throughout the day, and the last two are ones I took when we went to pick him up.

 

T minus 2 days

Its two days until I head back to work, and my heart and mind are filled and racing with tons of things.

First, let me say what is not racing though it.  Worry of Palmer's care.  Palmer will be cared for very well by my friend Linda (and her little girl Alice), and about once a week Ross' parents.  I feel so much comfort that Linda and my in-laws will be the ones who will be watching Palmer when I am away at work.  There are also days when Ross' schedule allow him to pick Palmer up early, so there will be days when he will sleep in his crib, and play in his own house with his toys and dogs.  I was told early on, that it is much easier to head back to work if you have someone you completely trust.  That is 100% the case in our situation.

What is running through my mind, is just about everything else. 

First, is all the selfish thoughts.  I have been with Palmer {almost} every waking moment of his smiley, shreaking, bouncing, standing, tongue sticking out, laughing, sometimes cranky, existence.  Its not the big moments that I worry about missing.  We will see him stand on his own, walk, say words, sentences, etc, etc.  Its all the little moments that I am going to miss.  I know so many moms have to go back much, much earlier than me - and I have been so incredibly grateful for this extra time with our little man.  I also know that I'm probably not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom (at least at this point), but it doesn't mean that I will miss him any less.  There is also the perk of my job that I have a good amount of time off.  In fact, now that my school's calendar is on the balanced schedule, we have a week at Thanksgiving, two weeks at Christmas, long weekends in January and February, two weeks at Spring break, and another long weekend Memorial Day weekend.  Not many jobs can boast that, and I am very much looking forward to those "extra" days that I get to spend with our little guy.

One of the other things that is going though my mind, is that I guess I never thought it would be this hard.  I keep saying how I think I'm ready, which I think I am.  But, even though I feel that way, I don't think it makes it that much easier.  I've been in a cranky funk for the last few days, and I could not put words to it.  Last night, the weight of everything came to a head.  Each individual thing doesn't seem so bad, but its just everything put together that gets heavy.  It's thinking of how the house will get taken care of when I go back.  The dishes, the laundry, the cleaning (which I do a lot of now, but even now, Ross does a lot of it too), and everything baby related (bottles, food, clothes, pacifiers, more bottles, having everything ready for someone else to care for him).  It's making sure that Palmer has been on a semi predictable routine (which sounds easy but really its not) so that others can care for Palmer easier.  I also work with high school girls from our church, and I can't begin to ask them to understand.  They tell me "why are you sad?  You chose to have a kid."  Which, makes sense coming from their perspective, and I know 15 years from now, when they are parents they will understand better than they are capable now.  It just doesn't make it feel any better today.  I'm the only leader, and I need help.  All of these things, like I said, aren't big in and of themselves.  Its just all of it put together.  Last night I just sobbed.  I am going to miss our little boy.  I'm embarking on the first step of letting go.  Letting go isn't easy.  In fact, its quite scary.

For now, I am going to be soaking in all that I can these next two days.  I'm going to focus on the positive, I'm going to be grateful for all the things we've been blessed to have, and will continue to be blessed with. 

Our moments matter. (aka, goodbye facebook)

  Facebook started out innocent enough.  Keep in touch with family, share pictures with friends, and get in touch with long lost people from the past.  But what it has turned into is out of control.  It may be partially about the things it used to be, but its also about a bunch of things that it was never intended to be.  It shares information you don't care to (or realize), it is a total time suck, ads selling you things you google searched come up all the time (creepy!) and most (at least for me as a mom) is that it causes comparison between other people, kids, families, and moms.   Comparison really is the true thief of joy. I found that instead of doing fun activities for the sake of doing them or capturing a picture of Palmer in all his cuteness, just for the sake of having it, it (partially) has gotten to the point where every event needs to be shared.  In my insecurities, without realizing it, I was trying to prove that I was a good mom, a good wife, that my child was adorable (which he is, duh!) and we "had it all together."  In an odd way, I started to feel like a tourist in my own life.   If it wasn't posted, did the event really happen?  Why yes, yes it did.  And by golly, some of the joy was stripped from it because I was not actually being in the moment with Palmer, with Ross, with our family.   Being connected at all times, has become a way of life, but it doesn't have to be.  We can still document our lives, and share with friends and family, without being connected 24/7 to facebook (or any other social media, for that matter).  I am heading back to work soon, and our time together as a family will be even more precious.  I'm not forfeiting one moment to facebook.   Join us if you want, or not, this blog is for us.  This blog is for family.   This blog is for future Palmer.   Because our moments, and his moments matter. 

(And because no blog feels complete without a picture - we'll call this one "Mama Sable is always watching")