Its two days until I head back to work, and my heart and mind are filled and racing with tons of things.
First, let me say what is not racing though it. Worry of Palmer's care. Palmer will be cared for very well by my friend Linda (and her little girl Alice), and about once a week Ross' parents. I feel so much comfort that Linda and my in-laws will be the ones who will be watching Palmer when I am away at work. There are also days when Ross' schedule allow him to pick Palmer up early, so there will be days when he will sleep in his crib, and play in his own house with his toys and dogs. I was told early on, that it is much easier to head back to work if you have someone you completely trust. That is 100% the case in our situation.
What is running through my mind, is just about everything else.
First, is all the selfish thoughts. I have been with Palmer {almost} every waking moment of his smiley, shreaking, bouncing, standing, tongue sticking out, laughing, sometimes cranky, existence. Its not the big moments that I worry about missing. We will see him stand on his own, walk, say words, sentences, etc, etc. Its all the little moments that I am going to miss. I know so many moms have to go back much, much earlier than me - and I have been so incredibly grateful for this extra time with our little man. I also know that I'm probably not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom (at least at this point), but it doesn't mean that I will miss him any less. There is also the perk of my job that I have a good amount of time off. In fact, now that my school's calendar is on the balanced schedule, we have a week at Thanksgiving, two weeks at Christmas, long weekends in January and February, two weeks at Spring break, and another long weekend Memorial Day weekend. Not many jobs can boast that, and I am very much looking forward to those "extra" days that I get to spend with our little guy.
One of the other things that is going though my mind, is that I guess I never thought it would be this hard. I keep saying how I think I'm ready, which I think I am. But, even though I feel that way, I don't think it makes it that much easier. I've been in a cranky funk for the last few days, and I could not put words to it. Last night, the weight of everything came to a head. Each individual thing doesn't seem so bad, but its just everything put together that gets heavy. It's thinking of how the house will get taken care of when I go back. The dishes, the laundry, the cleaning (which I do a lot of now, but even now, Ross does a lot of it too), and everything baby related (bottles, food, clothes, pacifiers, more bottles, having everything ready for someone else to care for him). It's making sure that Palmer has been on a semi predictable routine (which sounds easy but really its not) so that others can care for Palmer easier. I also work with high school girls from our church, and I can't begin to ask them to understand. They tell me "why are you sad? You chose to have a kid." Which, makes sense coming from their perspective, and I know 15 years from now, when they are parents they will understand better than they are capable now. It just doesn't make it feel any better today. I'm the only leader, and I need help. All of these things, like I said, aren't big in and of themselves. Its just all of it put together. Last night I just sobbed. I am going to miss our little boy. I'm embarking on the first step of letting go. Letting go isn't easy. In fact, its quite scary.
For now, I am going to be soaking in all that I can these next two days. I'm going to focus on the positive, I'm going to be grateful for all the things we've been blessed to have, and will continue to be blessed with.
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