Pictures lately

Palmer is 7 1/2 months old, and he is becoming more and more active every day.  His latest thing is standing.  All he really wants to do is stand.  In the last couple days, he has learned to stand, then sit, then stand again.  He goes up and down all day.  He does this in addition to crawling (faster and faster everyday), and he talks up a storm (and when he's cutting a tooth, like he is now, he also screams).  His little personality is coming out, and its happy, mischievous, inquisitive, and sometimes grumpy.  He does the duck face or screams when he isn't content, but this isn't often.  He is also happy to entertain himself with his toys, or by watching his dogs.  He loves to crawl into laps, and sink his mouth into your knees (getting your pants all wet.  Thanks, Palmer!)  He loves to bounce and dance to music, play with lids and bottles, and his favorite toy is probably his Sophie giraffe, cell phones or ipads (if anyone actually let him get a hold of theirs) and the bulb syringe - he loves when you puff air on his face. 

Palmer's Practice Day

 I say that today was Palmer's practice at Linda's house.  Well, it was mine too.  I dropped Palmer off at Linda's house at 7:15 - and surprisingly, I did not cry when I left.  I didn't cry on my way to work.  I did hear "Three Little Birds" on my way to work, and that sure felt nice.
  I got updates throughout the morning from Linda.  A couple pictures of Palmer - a couple with Alice (Linda's little girl) and one of just him (super smiley, I might add).   He didn't go down quite as easy as he does at home, but he napped.  He ate food.  And the poor little man was teething.
  Apparently, the little stinker wanted to scream.  He screamed in Alice's direction...  Every time he screamed, it would upset Alice.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Oh, Boy!
  At around noon, Ross and I met at the Sperka house, and went to see Palmer on his practice day. 
  As first days go, it wasn't too bad.  Tomorrow will be the real test.  He has his first full day of Linda-care (I don't like calling it daycare... it sounds so impersonal because he's just hanging out with Linda and his buddy Alice).  I'm praying that his tooth pokes through tonight, and that he is in a much better mood tomorrow! 
  Teething would coincide with my return to work, wouldn't it?

  At least if I'm heading back to work, we have Linda, and family who are watching him while we can't.  It sure does help.  (that, and a lot of prayers!)

There will be more pictures tomorrow, but for now, here are a few pictures from Palmer's practice
 day at Linda-care!

First few pictures were ones that Linda sent throughout the day, and the last two are ones I took when we went to pick him up.

 

T minus 2 days

Its two days until I head back to work, and my heart and mind are filled and racing with tons of things.

First, let me say what is not racing though it.  Worry of Palmer's care.  Palmer will be cared for very well by my friend Linda (and her little girl Alice), and about once a week Ross' parents.  I feel so much comfort that Linda and my in-laws will be the ones who will be watching Palmer when I am away at work.  There are also days when Ross' schedule allow him to pick Palmer up early, so there will be days when he will sleep in his crib, and play in his own house with his toys and dogs.  I was told early on, that it is much easier to head back to work if you have someone you completely trust.  That is 100% the case in our situation.

What is running through my mind, is just about everything else. 

First, is all the selfish thoughts.  I have been with Palmer {almost} every waking moment of his smiley, shreaking, bouncing, standing, tongue sticking out, laughing, sometimes cranky, existence.  Its not the big moments that I worry about missing.  We will see him stand on his own, walk, say words, sentences, etc, etc.  Its all the little moments that I am going to miss.  I know so many moms have to go back much, much earlier than me - and I have been so incredibly grateful for this extra time with our little man.  I also know that I'm probably not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom (at least at this point), but it doesn't mean that I will miss him any less.  There is also the perk of my job that I have a good amount of time off.  In fact, now that my school's calendar is on the balanced schedule, we have a week at Thanksgiving, two weeks at Christmas, long weekends in January and February, two weeks at Spring break, and another long weekend Memorial Day weekend.  Not many jobs can boast that, and I am very much looking forward to those "extra" days that I get to spend with our little guy.

One of the other things that is going though my mind, is that I guess I never thought it would be this hard.  I keep saying how I think I'm ready, which I think I am.  But, even though I feel that way, I don't think it makes it that much easier.  I've been in a cranky funk for the last few days, and I could not put words to it.  Last night, the weight of everything came to a head.  Each individual thing doesn't seem so bad, but its just everything put together that gets heavy.  It's thinking of how the house will get taken care of when I go back.  The dishes, the laundry, the cleaning (which I do a lot of now, but even now, Ross does a lot of it too), and everything baby related (bottles, food, clothes, pacifiers, more bottles, having everything ready for someone else to care for him).  It's making sure that Palmer has been on a semi predictable routine (which sounds easy but really its not) so that others can care for Palmer easier.  I also work with high school girls from our church, and I can't begin to ask them to understand.  They tell me "why are you sad?  You chose to have a kid."  Which, makes sense coming from their perspective, and I know 15 years from now, when they are parents they will understand better than they are capable now.  It just doesn't make it feel any better today.  I'm the only leader, and I need help.  All of these things, like I said, aren't big in and of themselves.  Its just all of it put together.  Last night I just sobbed.  I am going to miss our little boy.  I'm embarking on the first step of letting go.  Letting go isn't easy.  In fact, its quite scary.

For now, I am going to be soaking in all that I can these next two days.  I'm going to focus on the positive, I'm going to be grateful for all the things we've been blessed to have, and will continue to be blessed with. 

Our moments matter. (aka, goodbye facebook)

  Facebook started out innocent enough.  Keep in touch with family, share pictures with friends, and get in touch with long lost people from the past.  But what it has turned into is out of control.  It may be partially about the things it used to be, but its also about a bunch of things that it was never intended to be.  It shares information you don't care to (or realize), it is a total time suck, ads selling you things you google searched come up all the time (creepy!) and most (at least for me as a mom) is that it causes comparison between other people, kids, families, and moms.   Comparison really is the true thief of joy. I found that instead of doing fun activities for the sake of doing them or capturing a picture of Palmer in all his cuteness, just for the sake of having it, it (partially) has gotten to the point where every event needs to be shared.  In my insecurities, without realizing it, I was trying to prove that I was a good mom, a good wife, that my child was adorable (which he is, duh!) and we "had it all together."  In an odd way, I started to feel like a tourist in my own life.   If it wasn't posted, did the event really happen?  Why yes, yes it did.  And by golly, some of the joy was stripped from it because I was not actually being in the moment with Palmer, with Ross, with our family.   Being connected at all times, has become a way of life, but it doesn't have to be.  We can still document our lives, and share with friends and family, without being connected 24/7 to facebook (or any other social media, for that matter).  I am heading back to work soon, and our time together as a family will be even more precious.  I'm not forfeiting one moment to facebook.   Join us if you want, or not, this blog is for us.  This blog is for family.   This blog is for future Palmer.   Because our moments, and his moments matter. 

(And because no blog feels complete without a picture - we'll call this one "Mama Sable is always watching")