It's starting to feel okay...

  Going back to work was VERY difficult at first.  Before Palmer, all I had to take care of in the morning was myself.  Shower, prep, drive to school. Done.  Learning the new balance - the new normal - took a bit of getting used to.  I still miss Palmer when I am away, but like I always said, knowing I had someone really good to care for him, really does make all the difference.  I wish I was with him, but knowing he is with Linda and Alice, and that he does so well there - or - when he is with Mimi or Big Papa and being with family who loves him, really does ease any worry that I have.  I think the other thing that is really making coming back to work bearable, is that so far, we had 3 full weeks and then Thanksgiving break.  Then we had three weeks before Christmas break (two down, one to go!!).  I cherish the moments I have with our family, and I am realizing that whether I am with Palmer all day, or with him in the afternoons, evenings, and weekends, he still knows that I am his momma.  He still knows that Ross is his main man.  My hands are fuller than ever, but so is my heart.

9 WHOLE MONTHS!!!! HOLY COW!!

Palmer,
  You are nine whole months.  That means that you have been with us on "the outside" almost as long as you were cooking inside of Mommy's belly.  Every day, your personality is coming out.  Lately, you have been so mischievous!   You are testing your boundaries, and you understand the word ,"no."  You love to go for the speaker receiver (turn the settings or turn up or down the volume by accident!).  Most of the time when we say no, you stop going for it, and just look at us, or you move on to another object.  But sometimes, your naughty side comes out!  You go for it, look at us/for us, hear no, and then keep going for it.  You are a stinker, but Palmer J, you are still adorable.  (we're still going to follow through anyway!)   You are crawling all over the place, and when I say "come on, Palmer, let's go to your room," you will usually follow right behind me.  (sometimes you have a mind of your own, and take off towards the dog bowls, or the stairs... we're working on it, though). One of your latest things that you have been doing is waving goodbye or hello, and connecting the meaning.  When I drop you off at Alice's, I love it when you wave to me before I leave.  It is so special for us to see you connecting to the world around you.  Each and every day, you are acting more and more like a toddler, and less and less like a baby.
And since you are so keen on exploring your world, you have had less and less time to drink your bottle like a baby.  You started stretching out your feedings (you only have time to eat every four hours now)  Your preferred way to eat is in the form of solids.  The solids you eat are mostly pureed food, but have also started to eat baby food with pasta (at first, you would spit out the pasta), yogurt melts and puffs.  When its meal time, the dogs are your BEST friends!   (when its not meal time, Oliver's skin crawls when you come near him.  He knows you love to tug on him and Sable!)

We have been so blessed to watch you grow and change!  You are little, but you are full of so much spunk!  (It's not the size of the dog, right?!) You really do have Lerch/Jerraid/Vance/Smith running through your veins!  You love to be social!

We love you, Palmer Jerraid!!
Love,
Mom and Dad

 We kept saying "Palmer, don't grab that!"  (talking about not grabbing the sticker on your shirt).  It was frustratingly hilarious.  You just couldn't help yourself! LOL!!!

So thankful!

Over my Thanksgiving break from school (we had a week off this year due to the new (and IMPROVED!) balanced schedule.  We got to relax the first weekend, and then on Monday night, before Palmer's bed time, we took off for Dallas.  Palmer was very good - he woke up a few times, would cry or fuss for a moment, and then go back to sleep.  We stopped in Joplin for the night, and Palmer went right down to sleep.  After a free breakfast at the hotel in the morning (Palmer tried a bit of a crossant), we headed back on the road.  By Tuesday afternoon we had arrived at the Falkensteins house.  It was so great to be back there, as Ross and I hadn't been in two years, and things really had changed since the last time we were there.  First of all, Annie's little guy, Luke, was just 5 months old the last time we were there.  Now nearly 2 1/2, he now brought his little sister, Hannah, along!  Adding Palmer to the mix, was so much fun!  He LOVED to watch Luke play like a big boy, and you could see his gears turning (oh, how he can't wait to be able to keep up with the big kids!)  It seemed like yesterday we were there, and Luke was so tiny.  How quickly they change, and grow. 
 Annie (Ross' cousin) and I were able to connect on a new level, as the last time, I had no clue what it meant to be a mom. 
 The week was filled with food, food, and more food.  Chuck and Louann were amazing hosts - very accomodating of our little family! 
While we were there, Palmer loved playing with all the new toys - on top of that list, was a little doorway toy that was just his size, as well as a play kitchen - he loved to open and close the oven, fridge, and microwave.  Oy boy!  Palmer is really moving, and really interacting with his surroundings.  It is so much fun!

We LOVE you, weekend!

  Weekends are great because we don't have to work!  Really, its not that work is so bad.  Ross and I have really great jobs, and that's more than most people can say.  Its not that our jobs are easy or we don't have hard days, because we do.  We just can't complain.  We have great coworkers, bosses, etc.  The obvious reason why we love weekends.... is because we have ALL day to spend with Palmer.  We don't have to worry about obligations, or making sure the diaper bag is all prepped, or if he has enough diapers, or if he's being good and napping well for the sitter.  The weekend is our time.  We get to read books, play games, watch a cartoon or too, and play with the dogs (one of Palmer's all time favorite things).  This morning, before Palmer's nap time, he and I read books, cuddled, and had some great quality time.  If I could freeze these moments for eternity, I would.   After Palmer went down, I walked into Ross and my bedroom.  I looked at him, with teary eyes.  My heart was overflowing with love.  I am so grateful for our family.  I am so thankful for time that we get with Palmer.  I have always appreciated it, but now that I am working, it is my number one priority.  Palmer is, hands down, the best thing that we have ever done.  He's not always easy, and truly, parenting is the hardest thing we have ever done, but I could not imagine our life without this ornery little child.  Before we had Palmer, we just didn't get it.  We didn't understand how another person could be so much of a priority.   I keep thinking - one more week of work, and then I have a week off.  I am so thankful to have next week to look forward to, but for now, I am so thankful for this day with each other, and with Palmer!


A couple weeks ago, we lowered Palmer's crib.  He's is pulling himself up to standing, and cruising.  We often come in the room in the morning, or after a nap to this happy face standing at the edge looking up at us, or sitting in his crib playing with his seahorse.

 To say that Palmer loves bath time, is total understatement!  When we stand him up at the end, he gets jello legs... he just doesn't want bath time to end!  It is pretty funny.  We love watching him get his personality.  He really is such a happy boy!

All good things (like bath time) must come to an end.  Like Ross' PJ pants?!  These two guys are my FAVORITE!

I wish I could wish you a happy birthday.

  Today, would have been my Grandma's birthday.  Today, I would have called her and she would have asked all about Palmer.  She wasn't one to want the attention on her, especially for something like birthdays.  I would have told her how Palmer is following us, and crawling a mile a minute to be wherever we are.  He's stubborn and silly.  Maybe we would have Skype'd, and she would have loved seeing his silly faces - he would have grabbed for the ipad, and we would all laugh    But, instead, today will be like any other day.


  I will miss you.  I will wish I could tell you about this little boy of ours that you would love oh, so dearly.   Maybe you are looking down on us today?  Do you see our tears?  Happy birthday, Marie.  You will always be in my heart.  Your love will always find a welcome home there.

If it could, it did

It has been ten days.  Ten very long days.

I was naive after my first couple days back at work.  I started on a Thursday, and at the end of the week, I felt like it wasn't so bad.  I had two full days of work, but Palmer only had one full day, and a half day due to Ross being able to work from home on his first Friday (yay for light court day).  I got home, I held Palmer, relaxed with Ross.  I felt fulfilled from working.  I felt like it wouldn't be so bad.

Then this week happened.  And, boy, what a week it was.

Monday started out fabulous.  I kept getting text messages from Linda.  Alice and Palmer are having a blast, and Palmer even had his first "kiss!"  It was too cute, and I loved seeing these pictures while I was at work!

In the meanwhile at work, I start feeling "off."  Nothing to write home about, but off.  After work, I pick up Palmer and we go home.  Ross' mom came Monday night because she was watching Palmer on Tuesday and my plan was for Ross and I to go on a date after Palmer went to sleep... but I just didn't feel up to it.  After Palmer went to sleep, so did I.
Tuesday was rough at work.  I didn't feel on my game.  I know I am still getting back into the swing of things, but I just felt so off.  I could have sworn there was a full moon.   All I wanted to do was sleep when I got home.  But, there just wasn't time to sleep!  Palmer had his very first swim lesson!  Before we went to the swim lesson, Ross and Jerri went out to eat (I passed since nothing was sounding appealing, and all I wanted to do was spend time with Palmer).  While they went out to eat, Palmer and I rocked in his glider and we both took a cat nap together.  (Hindsight tells me this was a bad choice...)   Jerri and Ross arrived home, and we raced off to Palmer's first swim lesson.
 When we first arrived, they told us they wouldn't be having infant lessons.  I knew I had signed up for this night, and I had paid, and after checking further, it was confirmed that we had, in fact, paid to be there.  It was just a mix up, and was quickly sorted out.  Ross got in the pool with Palmer, and PALMER LOVED IT!  He was splashing and going nuts!  Ross loves that Palmer loves the water - my two fish!  It was so much fun watching them, and I was happy that "Mimi" was able to come along!

This is about when the fun of the week ended.

First of all, I was already worn out from two days of working, and I was ready to be done.  Knowing what I know now, I guess it makes sense.  I was getting sick.  I went to bed, once again, right after Palmer went to bed.  Ross gave me a dose of NyQuil, and I drifted off to sleep.  Problem is, with NyQuil in your system, you really should stay asleep!  I kept waking up, worrying if I had everything that Palmer needed for daycare the next day.  I usually pack the bag the night before, but I was feeling so awful, that I just couldn't.  When ever I woke up, a wave of sickness came over me.  I was hot.  Then I was cold.  Then felt like I was dying.  Repeat.  Repeat.  It was not a fun night.  When I woke up again at 5:30, I decided there wasn't any way I could survive work.  At least on Tuesday, if I was sitting down or laying down, I felt fine.  That was not the case on Wednesday.  Even though staying home felt better health wise, staying home was also torture.  It was torture because I felt awful for being home the first week I went back to work, but mostly it felt horrible because Palmer was in the other room, and I couldn't hold him or play with him.  I didn't want to get him sick, so when I would walk out in the living room to get anything, and Palmer would crawl towards me, Ross would have to pick him up and move him back.  {insert sad face}.  By the end of the day, I was feeling at least well enough where I could go back to work the next day.  Once again, I went to bed right after Palmer.

Palmer headed to Linda's Thursday, but he was not seeming right.  He was acting tired and lethargic.  I get sent a sleepy picture long before he should be feeling sleepy, and my gut is telling me something isn't right.  He sleeps for four hours while at Linda's.  This just wasn't normal!  At first I thought he was just making up for the long and fun day he had on Tuesday, but due to a few other clues (which I will spare the blogosphere) we could tell that he was not well.  The biggest concern was his dehydration.  After another evening nap in his glider, we decided to call the pediatrician.   We also decided to skip swim lessons.
Ross' dad was staying at our house, and seeing that Palmer was not well, traded Friday schedules with Ross so he could get back sooner to be with Palmer, and they also called Jerri and she volunteers to come watch Palmer on Friday (being safe as to not get Alice sick at Linda's house).  We are so lucky to have a supportive family.

 It's at this point in time - it was actually when I was heading into Kroger to buy Palmer the pedialite, that the strangest feeling came over me.   You know when you are sick, and you want your mom?  Well, it wasn't me who was sick, it was my baby.  But I just wanted my mom.  I think knowing that she's far away, and can't just come down (relatively) easily, made me miss her that much more.  Even though my parents live over 3 hours away normally, it still feels like you could visit anytime, and if I really need them, I know they can be there.  With them in Thailand, this just isn't the case.  I know they want to be here, but they have to be here in spirit for a while.   At that moment, I couldn't have missed them any more.   The next morning, when I expressed this to Jerri, and told her how thankful I was that she was there, we both teared up.  It meant a lot to me that she was there, and it was a relief knowing that even though Palmer wasn't 100%, that I didn't have to worry one bit while I was away.

If the week's craziness stopped there, it wouldn't have been so bad, but the weekend was jam packed with events (which were fun events) and it left little downtime with Palmer.  After a week of being at work or being sick and not really spending much quality time with him, it just felt like too much.  
When I arrived home from work Friday, I just wanted to play with Palmer, cuddle him, and enjoy his talking, make faces at him, and do nothing else.   Instead, I had to get ready for an overnight with my high school girls (which, like I said was fun, but it just wasn't the best timing).  This was all compounded by the fact that Ross is sick on the couch.  If I had a second leader for my high schoolers, I would have stayed with Palmer until he went to bed, but this just wasn't an option.  Poor Ross, sick himself, had to care for Palmer until bedtime.  That's just what you have to do when you are a parent.  You do what you have to do.

On Saturday when I arrived home, we had about an hour before we headed off to our friend Brad Geswein's sister's wedding.   My coworker, Michelle Brooks, came over and watched Palmer for us - hung out with him before he went to bed, and then tucked him in, and stayed at our house so we could stay out.  We had a sitter for the first time EVER to put him to sleep.... and Ross still isn't feeling well!  We didn't stay at the reception too long (maybe 10:15) and then he needed to come home and go to sleep.  Although it stinks that we couldn't stay out longer, it did teach us that Palmer can be put to bed by someone else, and we can head out and have some fun just the two of us.  It is REALLY important that we continue to keep this in mind, because our marriage is not only important to us, but also for Palmer.  Our strength as a unit, gives Palmer security.

I'm praying this week is less hectic than last.  I heard going back to work was hard, but I just never realized how hard it was to balance everything.  It's crazy, but we'll get it down eventually (I hope!)

Pictures lately

Palmer is 7 1/2 months old, and he is becoming more and more active every day.  His latest thing is standing.  All he really wants to do is stand.  In the last couple days, he has learned to stand, then sit, then stand again.  He goes up and down all day.  He does this in addition to crawling (faster and faster everyday), and he talks up a storm (and when he's cutting a tooth, like he is now, he also screams).  His little personality is coming out, and its happy, mischievous, inquisitive, and sometimes grumpy.  He does the duck face or screams when he isn't content, but this isn't often.  He is also happy to entertain himself with his toys, or by watching his dogs.  He loves to crawl into laps, and sink his mouth into your knees (getting your pants all wet.  Thanks, Palmer!)  He loves to bounce and dance to music, play with lids and bottles, and his favorite toy is probably his Sophie giraffe, cell phones or ipads (if anyone actually let him get a hold of theirs) and the bulb syringe - he loves when you puff air on his face.